Putting the ‘Bee’ in Bewilderment…
This is my mother. A paragon of maternal happiness.
To honour her, I will share with you her ancient wisdom.
My mother is a complex, multi-faceted woman. While she herself doesn’t eat she is obsessed with others eating. And not just how much you should be eating, but what you eat. On this past trip, I purchased 1 lb of lox to snack on. “Stop eating that garbage” she said moments after removing the instant-mix cake she’d baked especially for my visit.
My mom hates yard work & has created a rock garden (I like to think of it as “the quarry”) that covers about 80% of her tiny yard. To liven the space I got her a rock that says “Memory” on it. A few hours after giving it to her, I asked if she liked it. She seemed confused. Then I asked if she remembered what it said: “No”.
No trip to Bunny’s would be complete without the requisite teasing so inherent with our family. This little bit of inspiration came from an innocent visit to the dollar store. It wasn’t long after posting the signage that neighbours began flocking & knocking on #10.
My sister & I took Bunny for a pedicure. It was a learning experience to put it diplomatically. But it did yield some magic moments: watch the video below.
Every year my mom writes a Christmas letter updating everyone on her yearly activities & illnesses. She had a bad spring during which time the doctors were examining her thoroughly. In her letter she said “The doctors were stumped: they checked my head & couldn’t find anything”.
Last spring my mother backed into her patio fence. When I asked her about it all she had to say was how the fence was practically falling to pieces. Of course, a moving vehicle can tend to expose structural weaknesses.
My sister & I watched ‘Amadeus’ with my mom. Through the entire film my mom kept exclaiming that Mozart was such a genius; so talented. Until they actually played one of the operas: “Oh, God, how can they stand listening to that!”
Years back my siblings managed to convince my mother that the Sound of Music had been filmed on location in Arizona. Poor Bunny.
My mom has become obsessed with death. Her own particularly. She’s been preparing instructions for years now for us kids. We joked that in her obituary we were going to put “in lieu of flowers please make donations to AA”. She seems to have taken this seriously as now her new focus is planning what she calls “a celebration of her life, of all the happy memories.” Of course we teased her about that too. Poor Bunny. And she is adamant that if she becomes a “vegetable” that we’ll all agree to “pull the plug” (those are her words). We assured her not to worry on that point.
I phoned my mom to tell her she was on the internet but her main concern was getting my sister’s gund bears unpacked & set up on a blanket to watch the hockey game. “I can’t believe I’m looking after these bears”.
“I’m glad I’m not living in this day & age.”
“Stop talking! You’re ruining my consecration!”
“I’m glad I’m a pessimist. I’m never disappointed.”
“You kids are always playing on your lapdogs.”
“I don’t duko sudoku.”
On lending me her car “If you need to , go ahead & adjust the handlebars.”
On hearing about Clifford Olson coming up for parole: “They should keep those hemophiliacs locked up & throw away the keys.”